


Sugar We're Going Down

by weird_situation



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Crack, F/F, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-25
Updated: 2012-07-25
Packaged: 2017-11-10 17:42:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/468963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/weird_situation/pseuds/weird_situation
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sugar turns Bruce into a ten-year-old. Clint tries to keep up with Thor’s appetite with little success. Natasha just wants to watch the world burn. Also, Pepper and Darcy get kicked out of a spa.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sugar We're Going Down

**Author's Note:**

> This is me twisting one line in Thor about Pop Tarts for my own amusement and remembering I’ve actually been to Pop Tart World, therefore I should share with the Avengers its wonders. Title is from Fall Out Boy. Also, this is crack. So much crack.

“Did you know of this?” Thor thrust a flyer for Pop Tart World under Tony’s nose.

Pushing back so he could actually read the piece of paper, Tony wondered why it had never occurred to him to take Thor there. It was a disaster waiting to happen, and clearly Tony should be the one to make it happen.

“I forgot about it, but we’ll definitely be going.” Tony chewed on the pen he was supposed to be using to sign various forms for Pepper. “Yup, now sounds good. Wanna round up the others?”

Thor grinned and exited the room quickly, calling for the rest of the team in a booming voice.

*

“This is a bad idea,” Bruce said as he realized where they were going. “Like. Monumentally bad.”

“As bad as the Christmas party?” asked Clint with a grin.

Bruce thought for a minute. “Probably not that bad.” Hopefully.

Clint patted him on the head and turned back to the store’s entrance.

“Shall we?” He extended both arms, Bruce took one, and Natasha the other and they entered the store, Thor close behind, with Tony and Steve bringing up the rear.

“Did anyone tell Coulson where we were going?” Steve asked Tony.

Tony shrugged. “I have faith in their abilities to track us through various social media sites. Thor in Pop Tart World is sure to trend on Twitter.”

Nodding, Steve took in the store. Thor and Clint were already at the Pop Tart bar ordering a vast amount of food.

Natasha and Bruce were at some machine that took up most of the center of the room. He wasn’t sure what it did, but he hoped they wouldn’t blow anything up (Natasha was a horrible enabler of Bruce and Tony’s tendencies to make things explode. Some women just want to watch the world burn.).

“Well, I’m going to do some preemptive damage control. Have fun!” Tony wandered over to an employee and gave her a credit card. She looked down at it, then around the store, shrugged and went to run it.

Steve joined Thor and Clint at the dessert bar and ordered a sundae. Once it was done, he sat at the table claimed by Natasha and they watched Clint and Thor plow through the ridiculous amount of treats on their table.

“One of them is going to get sick,” Steve said. 

Natasha inclined her head, eyes twinkling. “It’ll be Clint. He has yet to realize he can’t keep up with Thor when it comes to food. Or alcohol. Or pushups. But he does kick Thor’s ass at somersaults.”

Steve, having witnessed Thor’s attempts at a somersault, could only make a noise of agreement. The god could dive and roll around on the battlefield, but put him in the gym to do a simple tuck and roll and things never ended well. Steve frowned when he noticed Bruce sneaking around the Pop Tart bar and making his way behind it.

“Should someone get him?” he asked Natasha. She looked at Bruce, then at Steve.

“No.”

Fair enough.

Steve watched Bruce grab various ingredients and put them in a large container. 

When an employee asked him to leave, Bruce just smiled bashfully and murmured something and the employee left him alone. 

Bruce smirked at Steve when he caught him looking. Rolling his eyes, Steve turned back to Clint and Thor, who’d gotten a second round of treats and were shoveling them into their mouths.

“Ten bucks says Clint vomits within fifteen minutes,” Steve said. Natasha grinned wickedly.

“Deal.”

Clint made it fourteen minutes before dashing outside and puking his guts up in the gutter. Laughing, Natasha handed Steve a ten dollar bill before going out to make fun of Clint.

“Making money off our teammate’s poor decision? I’m appalled at you Captain Rogers,” Tony said, coming to sit down with his coffee and pop tarts.

“Never waste an opportunity for easy money,” Steve said, tucking the bill into his wallet. “Bruce! Grab me another sundae, would ya?”

Bruce saluted Steve and went back to his concoction. Satisfied it was done, Bruce quickly whipped up another sundae for Steve and brought both dishes over to the table where Steve and Tony sat.

“What is that?” Tony asked, in awe of the sheer amount of sugar that had to be in that one bowl. There were at least four different kinds of pop tarts, ice cream (vanilla and chocolate), various candies, lots of syrups, whipped cream, nuts, and a cherry on top. Tony was getting sick just looking at it. Thor wandered over to their table and looked mournfully at Bruce’s masterpiece.

“Mine.” Bruce curled an arm around his bowl and glared at Tony and Thor, brandishing his spoon like a sword in the other men’s direction (there was a reason they didn’t let Bruce have copious amounts of sugar if they could help it; he didn’t get angry, he got _mean_.).

Tony held up his hands in surrender (not that he really wanted any in the first place), Thor looked away, pretending he didn’t want any of it anyways, and Bruce nodded at them, failing to notice that Steve had grabbed a spoon and snuck a bite of his treat.

Steve grinned at Tony’s gobsmacked look. There was no way in hell Tony would ever steal Bruce’s treats; he was reckless, not suicidal.

“This place! We must visit more often!” Thor told the others as Natasha and Clint made their way back into the store, Clint still looking a little green and leaning heavily on Natasha.

“Yeah, buddy. We’ll do that,” Clint said, sarcasm dripping from his voice as he dropped into the seat next to Bruce and the god beamed at Clint.

Thor’s smile faded and he leaned over to say conspiratorially to Clint: “Perhaps you should not eat so much next time. I fear you cannot handle the amount of pop tarts I can. Were you to do injury to yourself in an attempt to keep up with me, well, I should never forgive myself.” Thor smirked as Clint gaped, trying to come up with a comeback.

Bruce growled when Natasha tried to steal some of his sundae. She raised an eyebrow, and very reluctantly Bruce offered her a bite.

“Thank you, Bruce; that was delightful.” She smirked at him, and Bruce had to restrain himself from sticking out his tongue. He could be mature. Fucking sugar making him a ten-year-old again.

Thor went back for more pop tarts and sat across from Clint so the other man had to watch as he ate a ridiculously large amount of the treats.

“I hate you,” whispered Clint, defeated he nestled his head in his arms and pouted until Tony started stroking his hair.

Steve grinned at them and went back for another sundae. And then five more.

By the time Coulson showed up to escort the Avengers home, Thor and Steve had eaten almost the entire store. Thor was wearing a shirt with the Pop Tart logo on it that Tony had bought him and was describing the best types of the breakfast pastries to bemused customers that had wandered in the store. Clint and Bruce were laying on a table, moaning about too much sugar (Steve was trying to get them to drink water with little success) and Natasha and Tony were sipping coffee and laughing at the chaos with ten bags full of boxes of pop tarts sitting on the floor next to them.

The employees just stood around having lost control of the store (they gave up trying to herd the Avengers when Clint started throwing bits of pop tarts into their open mouths. Thankfully no one had choked.).

“Avengers!” Six heads swiveled to see Coulson in the doorway and one employee nearly sobbed in relief when Coulson said it was time for them to leave. Bruce called said employee a wimp and Coulson had to restrain the man when he made to attack Bruce. Sticking his tongue out at the man still held in Coulson’s arms, Bruce left the store, Tony helping to hold him up as he still was feeling woozy from the amount of sugar he’d ingested.

“We have made plans for a weekly excursion to the wondrous world of Pop Tarts,” Thor told Coulson. The agent smiled at him before starting to come up with ideas to counteract that plan. If his grip tightened painfully on the man he was still holding, well, no one could blame him.

“I wanna watch a movie,” Clint mumbled into Steve’s chest as he was practically lifted into the SUV there to take them back to the Tower.

“What movie?” asked Tony from the passenger seat.

“The Goonies.”

“Acceptable,” said Natasha as she buckled Bruce in, the scientist groaning and clutching his stomach.

“The Goonies it is,” Thor declared as he shut the door so Coulson could drive them home.

*

Darcy slapped a hand over her mouth to keep the squeal from becoming a decibel that would wake up the people sleeping on the floor. The Avengers were sprawled out all over each other, too tired to stay awake for the movie after their sugar highs evaporated.

Clint was tucked into Steve’s side, with Bruce plastered to his back. Steve was using Thor’s chest as a pillow. Tony was curled into a ball, head resting on one of Thor’s arms, and Natasha spooning him from behind. 

“What’s–?” Pepper started to ask why Darcy had stopped in the doorway, but stopped when she saw the team. Putting an arm around Darcy’s shoulders, she pulled the younger woman out of the room and into the kitchen where she proceeded to curse up a storm (Darcy was impressed. She could only curse in English and Spanish, but Pepper was rolling through at least five languages.).

There were boxes of pop tarts everywhere. Darcy stumbled over one and took Pepper down with her. The resulting yelps brought the Avengers running into the kitchen, still rubbing the sleep out of their eyes.

“I can explain–” Tony started before Pepper cut him off with a glare as she got up off the floor.

“I think I need an adult,” Darcy said, looking up wide eyed from the floor. “Pretty sure there’s a box doing inappropriate things to my ass.”

Clint snorted and reached down to pull her up, and she gave him a kiss on the cheek, loudly proclaiming him to be her hero.

“How come Clint gets to be a hero?” Tony pouted, kicking at a box of pop tarts.

“Because he didn’t set up a pop tart death trap in the kitchen.” Pepper arched an eyebrow and crossed her arms when Tony tried to protest.

“I must confess it was largely my fault,” Thor said. “I convinced the others that we were in need of a trip to the land of pop tarts. They indulged me, as you can see.”

Pepper’s glare softened as she turned towards Thor. “It’s okay.” She patted his hand. “I know exactly who to blame for the excessive amount of pop tarts currently in the kitchen.”

Tony ducked his head. Thor grinned at him, and probably would have stuck his tongue out at the other man if Pepper wasn’t still looking.

“What are you two doing here anyway? I thought there was a spa thing you were planning on for the entire weekend.” Steve started shuffling boxes around so the floor was a little less hazardous. It didn’t really work, but it was the thought that counted.

“Well…” Darcy laughed a little. “We got kicked out.”

Tony frowned. “Why?” 

Pepper blushed; Natasha zeroed in on her.

“Why were you kicked out of the spa?” Natasha asked, smirk on her face. Oh, she knew what had happened.

Pepper huffed and answered, “Lewd behavior.”

Clint discreetly high fived Darcy. Natasha still smacked the back of his head. Tony’s eyes glazed over, so Steve ended up smacking him on the back of his head. Thor managed to hide his smirk, so no head smacking for him. Bruce was opening a package of pop tarts, ignoring everything going on around him.

Steve reached down and plucked the sweets from Bruce’s hands. There was a growl, but Bruce let them go without hulking out, so everyone counted it as a success (he’d had enough sugar for a week; they had to cut him off or risk a Hulk on a sugar high. It’d happened once, and no one could look Fury in the eye for the longest time afterwards. Several junior agents were mentally scarred and were still in therapy. Bruce still smirked every time he saw one of them scurrying away from him.).

“Clearly everyone had an eventful day and there should be no mentions of any of it. Ever.” Steve looked at Tony until the other man threw up his hands and muttered “fine”.

“Soooo…” Clint drawled. “Movie?”

Bruce perked up at the word, and the others nodded their agreement, debating the merits of popcorn versus pop tarts as appropriate movie snacks, deciding on popcorn to try and combat the impending sugar comas.

No one noticed Bruce sneaking into the kitchen for a box of pop tarts.

They did notice the next time he hulked out that he was strangely enamored of Fury again, and everyone proceeded to yell at Tony for buying too many pop tarts and leaving temptation laying around for Bruce.

The Hulk just huffed at them and continued to delicately stroke Fury’s head.


End file.
